Snuggling in my bed, I move my feet beneath the covers, it feels nice and cool among the humidity of the morning just waving into my room through the window. I try to wake up, and roll over half way in and out of dreams, wishing I could stay their safe with them in my own bed, my mind full of hope that these things can remain that I won't have to awake to the world facing all that it holds before me. My alarm clock swaks like a siren, and I sit up. I've got to get up, and to work, I tell myself this out loud. I have to pay for everything that is to sustain my life, only the air I breath is free certainly they will start charging me for that also. I turn the light on next to my bed wondering what I should wear, what is clean, does it smell good, do I have to do more laundry latter? I love this apt. and I hate that it holds me to the land lord who I pay each and every month. It seems like somehow all of the money I make goes for things that are needed, but maybe I do spend to much on myself a book here, a CD there, coffe, or a nice evening out, it all adds up to money. I shake off my sleep and grab a pair of jeans and a blouse with red leaves on it, good enough I say to myself slogging into the bathroom. I know I better take a shower or I'll feel like I am in a daze still sleeping until I make it home for dinner. I turn the shower on and head to the living room to grab my Madonna CD. She always wakes me up, and makes me feel better with her CD American Life, I love that song nothing fails, it give me hope that I can make it through my day of hanging clothing, putting it out, and or running the cash register. It is rare that I price hard goods, or am able to put them away on the retail floor. When this happens I get real exicted smile and squeal. Everyone things I'm crazy and lame for wanting a change and loving the fact that these things are things I can enjoy. I can muze through the merchindise of used goods seeking out that one special item I might buy if it is left on the floor after the 24 hr period in which we will not be fired if we buy it. I don't like the rule myself, but what can you do corporate always rains and wins!!!! I step out of the shower towel off, put on my wonderful lavender powder which is suppose to relax me, look in the mirror, and think I need to lose more weight. It's probably what every women who doesn't look like a super model thinks to herself, but we all do it. I air dry a little, grab my jeans stuff em on, then comb out my hair before added the other essentials, Man they would scream if I showed up topless, Ha Ha. I brush my hair pull it back, and brush my teeth. Then I manage to make my lunch which consists of a cup of apple sauce, usually a granola bar, juice, and maybe a treat or something. I make sure I check the weather channel waiting for my morning call from a lover, who I haven't seen in a while, I sigh as I turn off the televison. He must be cooking on the line still, or have forgotten. He's always busy in the summer at the restaraunt. Thank goodness he cooks because I am not good in the kitchen. I turn off the T.V. make sure everything is in a decent order and lock the door behind me. It's another day, another dollar ladies, and what do I do it for? The man I love, College, and my own self respect. I wonder if I will ever move out of that apt, can I make my life more then the spec it is. Then I see those lives I"ve touched, the little blessing like those customers that tell me not to give up on school. I do have those negitive moments where I think they don't know me or how I feel. I just keep telling myself: get up in the mornings, go to work, believe in yourself, stand up tall look them in the eye and know you are true not only to yourself, but man kind. It's what keeps me going, from sinking in the weight of my tears when I think nothing is moving ahead like it should be. I have to ask myself is this worth it, my soul screams yes, but my doubts are still there. They will be until I make it out alive, at least with my degree in hand, and a pat on the back from my family and friends. I wonder who will be left then, how old will I be, will I be able to still have my little girl I dream of? This makes me want to cry, my little Arcadia who I dream of. I"m scard to be a mom yes, but I want my child to have the best. This is why I struggle so, this is why I feel so deeply about my education. I know I am the only one who can make my dreams reality. It is so hard for me not to be upsett that other people's ride in life has come so easily, or faster then mine. They say you appriciate it much more then those it just comes to, I don't know if that is true. I only know that I hope Karma, God, my Goddess, or someone out there loves me enough to be my angel, to stand by me, and keep me safe in my journey.